Hail the New Czar

(IP Newswire)

Kudos to Lukey for creating an economic development czar, a post that the City has been long overdue in filling. The timing is unfortunate in that the appointment was made just as one of the major accomplishments of the last czar, Steve Leper, has come crashing down. Mayoral Challenger, Councilman Bill "Fogey" Peduto was ecstatic, "It's really symbolic, the juxtaposition of the timing reminds me of a Fellini film I was watching by myself last night. But I am more concerned that the symbol of a Tsar suggests oppression of the poor, which I, like the great poet-philosopher, Neruda, abhor." The Councilman continued in this vein for some time.

For his part, the new Most Excellent Czar Patrick (as printed on his official business cards) bristled at the comparison to Steve Leper. "Leper was a dandy, I'm a lion. He's lucky to be safely ensconced in Cincinnati right now or I'd kick his ass," snapped Czar Patrick.

The planning staff is busy preparing for Mr. Ford's coronation ceremony. "With this new position, the City will be better able to reach out to businesses and communities and crush any who oppose us, " the Czar warned, "it won't be your Momma's economic development." Staffers are apparently busy preparing a list of community activists who may be headed for the guillotine. When asked about why his replacement as Planning Director has no experience in such a post and very little time in Pittsburgh, the new Czar demanded, "Who said that, I want the name!"

Jim "Sewer Boots" Motznik is working on a broader set of reforms that he said will modernize city government. "Everyone talks about fixing up the city and I have a plan to do it," the feisty Council Bencher yipped. Motznik's plan would change the title of the Mayor to the "Child-Like Emperor" to make clear that he sits above the Czar, while also creating a new post, "The Royal Regent" but Mr. Motznik would only smile when asked who would fill that role. "Let's focus on the bigger picture here. It's a few steps back to shoot forward kind of thing," yapped the em-booted City politician.