Ficus Scandal

Ficus, write-in candidate for Mayor of Pittsburgh has been linked to TV's Daytime Hooker. Most recently a consultant for Councilwoman Twanda Cheney Carlisle, the sultry seductress was revealed to be the linchpin to the candidates fiscal recovery plan.

Ficus said only this in response: "Yes, she is THAT good."

No Bad Press

Most PR hacks will tell you, "There is no such thing as bad press." This may in part explain the penchant for Pittsburgh's Boy-Mayor Luke Ravensteal to zealously hop from photo-op to photo-op - it's all good press.

Or maybe it is a case of political "press envy." The Dog has recently learned that the Mayor's strategy has benchmarked previous administrations for what it calls "name penetration."

Here are the stats:

Tom Murphy in 12 years in office during the growth of the internet registered 1,270,000 google hits for a rate of 8,819 per month. Bob O'Connor, in the post-boom, post-bust, internet on demand era registered 1,020,000 hits in just 8 months in office for an astounding rate of 127,500 hits per month - but he literally had to die to generate that kind of press. Now Luke has managed to register only 52,800 hits in seven months in office, or 7,543 per month, well shy of the pace set by the beloathed Mayor Tom.

Campaign insiders now say that Cranky Peduto dropped out of the race in order to reduce Luke's press coverage and thwart his strategy of internet dominance. Much of the Boy-Blunder's actions can be now seen in an new light. Pollsters are already taking the pulse of the city to see if Luke should pick a fight with another hot celeb, start a war with Cleveland, get his cigar smoked, or consider more drastic options.

Photo Rebound

Boy-Mayor Luke Ravensteal's photo index rebounded in dramatic fashion for the month of April. Despite having no opposition in the primary AND having fired his official spokesweasel, the Mayor nonethless managed an impressive 50% gain over the March photo ops, but still down 21% from the February high.

9,999 Friends of PA

Pennsylvania lost a "Friend" when Janet Milkman, the President of 10,000 Friends of Pennsylvania took a new job with Future of Life, Inc. , a nonprofit cult dedicated to saving every living thing and selling T-shirts and bumper stickers. With her departure, the organization no longer has the required 10,000 friends and will be changing its name to 9,999 Friends of Pennsylvania.

According to Julie Lalo, Vice President for Strategic Communciations, the name change should generate new interest in the organization. "You can never buy anything for $10, it's always $9.99, so the new name will be something that people can relate to."

Moving Forward

The City-County Building may be shrouded in scaffolding but that doesn't mean that the engines fo government are losing steam. In a flurry of activity, the Ravensteal administration announced major plans for the Mayor Luke Ravensteal's City of Pittsburgh Moving Forward Progress Plan. A central element of the plan is updating various outdated aspects of the city. Starting with the roads. Not repaving them of course, and certainly not coordinating the road construction that has currently shut down the East End.

The Mayor's plan is much more bold. He is renaming several landmark city streets to be more in keeping with the times. "Ain't nobody getting any grants out of this City, so having our offices on Grant Street just sends the wrong message, so in my plan it becomes Boss Street." The Boulevard of the Allies conjures images of World War II and old boomers, and it sounds French, so it has to go. In its place will be the Avenue of Moving Forward. Finally, Cherry Way will be renamed Mayor Luke Ravensteal's Way, but no explanation was provided on what was wrong with Cherry Way.

Windfall

Boy-Mayor Luke Ravensteal announced his plan for the City's newly found financial windfall. He is going to use the money to honor his Pittsburgh Promise. The proposal, early in the Boy-Mayor's regency was the first policy initiative not stolen from his elected predecessor, Mayor Bob O'Connor was cribbed from an initiative in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

When the promise was made, the plan for funding was vague. N0w that the windfall has been located, the Mayor decided to make good on his promise. Of course with the average college tuition costing more than $12,000, this $80 million should be enough to nearly get the class of 2007 through college. The Mayor's office declined to comment but "promised" to issue a clarification on what they meant by the Pittsburgh Promise as soon as they get some answers from Kalamazoo.

I will bury him!

In a surprise move, Luke Ravensteal, a first-time candidate for the citywide office of Mayor of Simpleton has agreed to meet his challenger in debate in a shoe-bashing declarative tantrum. Ficus, a veteran of several congressional campaigns, has developed a reputation for frustrating opponents with his steely silence. George Ploddington III, who debated Ficus in the campaign for California's 1,275th District could only describe the experience as surreal. "He has a steely resolve, and while he might bend under a storm of questioning, he never breaks," Representative Ploddington remarked.

Ficus issued a statement accepting the Mayor's debate terms, but noted that technically, his current potting was equivalent to a "burial" so the Mayor's reference was confusing. The response infuriated the Mayor, who promised to "axe" his opponent some tough questions.