Clarification: Keep the Pens!

(Public Information Limited)

Pittsburgh Penguin's owners owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle issued a press release clarifying key details of the Arena deal. "News reports of our agreement contain some exaggerations that we feel should be cleared before it goes to far. We agreed in fact to keep the “pens” in Pittsburgh. That is the “pens” with which we signed a new lease in Kansas City. The team is still leaving.”

Sources close to Governor Ed “Big Tony” Rendell, County Executive Dan Onomatopoeia and his ward, the Boy-Mayor Luke Grayson expressed shock and dismay. An exasperated Governor reportedly fumed, “They knew damn well they misled us, we were celebrating and singing choruses of “100 Penguins in Pittsburgh” like that “100 bottles” song. It was completely dishonest on their part.” A groggy Boy-Mayor summed up his dismay, “Everyone seemed so happy that I figured the news had to be good.” Asked what he thought of the Penguins leaving, Mayor Luke responded quizzically, “ The Penguins are leaving? Is that what we were talking about? You better ask Boss Dan.”

The Penguins also released a news report today claiming that by hiring local Pittsburgh Movers, “Two Guys and a Truck,” they would be creating more and better jobs in leaving than they ever would in staying. “Let’s face it,” owner Burkle surmised, “We would have bled this town dry if we’d stayed, but we know we can’t get blood from a stone.”

Mario added, “We’re excited about the move. It’s a new beginning. Even the team name will change. Let’s face it, a penguin is not very intimidating.” The new name will be something with more of marketing hook to appeal to residents in their new home town, retain some fan base in Pittsburgh and tap the Canadian market. “Much of Canada is really not served by hockey teams now, so we would like to grab some of the satellite viewer hungry for a team. We might go with the KC Mullets, after the hair. It will get us back to our Canadian roots and connect with true hockey here in Kansas City and back in the “Burgh.” Reports are unconfirmed that Mario will again sport the Canadian national hair style in an effort to help market the new name. “We’ll see, it’s up to my wife.” Mario responded coyly.