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Boy-Mayor Announces New Cost-Saving and Morale Effort
(Information Service Uninteded)

Boy-Mayor Luke, soon to be coronated as the Child-Like Emperor, proposed a new city cost-saving measure that he says will also boost the morale of city workers. "What we found is that by replacing our current cheap toilet paper, which tends to shred and frustrate workers, actually uses more paper and takes more time from productive work, so, like, we can save money with better toilet paper," the Boy-Mayor haltingly read from a prepared statement.

Pressed for more details on how he came up with the plan or how much money it would save, the Boy-Mayor deferred to Dan Onorato, who was not present at the press conference. Without hesitation, Czar Patrick bounded to the podium, declaring, "I'm in charge here!" In response to the first question, the Czar quipped, "His statement was short, sweet and to the point. What more do you need?"

No one was surprised when Cranky Peduto's office claimed the idea as theirs. "We did a two year study on this with the best toilet paper experts in the world. We tested brands, ran cost estimates, everything," moped Peduto flunky Doogie Gilbert. "Can they tell you it will save $50,000? No! But I can, cause I did the work," remarked favorite hired gun Steve "Quant Jock" Zephyr. Asked for comment, Czar Patrick answered for the Boy-Mayor, "Winners win and losers whine about it. Those guys are all pansies who need a good ass-whupping and I'm the guy to do it." Gilbert and Zephyr departed quickly, saying in unison: "They're ruining our lives!"

"F*** it, I give up. This guy has stolen everything. I'll be at Cappy's if anybody needs more ideas to run the City," old man Peduto grumbled as he shuffled out of his office. He made his way through a hallway packed with city employees serenading the Boy-Mayor and tp-ing the hallways in celebration of Luke's leadership.