Ficus 2007

The race for Mayor of Pittsburgh has taken a new twist now that Ficus has joined the race. Saying that Pittsburgh should have more to choose from than an idiot and an asshole, Ficus sprang a late campaign drive to steal the Mayoral thunder from Mayor-by-Other's Misfortune Luke Ravensteal and from coy challenger Mark "Denial ain't just a Gypo River" DeSanitize.

A Ficus spokeswoman who identified herself only as "Sue" from Plantscape, said that Ficus would obviously run on the Green ticket and offered a better choice than the Dumbocratic or Republicrooked candiates. Ficus relocated to Pittsburgh following devastating defeats in 24 congressional campaigns in 2000 (http://www.commondreams.org/headlines/060100-02.htm). According to Ms. Sue, Ficus came to Pittsburgh to get "grounded" after the 2000 campaign, and that Ficus has "grown" since those campaigns and now can offer both Bite and Bark. Neither Sue nor Ficus would comment on the candidate's ties to left-wing provocateur Michael Moore.

Revitalize Pittsburgh

Mayor Luke Ravensteal announced his new Mayor Luke Ravensteal's Youth Pittsburgh Initiative (YouPI). Mayor Luke Ravensteal announced the new plan based on recommendations from a team of consultants. "Twanda had some really good researchers looking for a project and I needed to find a new vision for Pittsburgh, so it really kinda worked out pretty cool," said the Boy Blunder. The consultants benchmarked Pittsburgh against "many" other cities, including Atlanta, and determined that the cool, growing cities all had much higher traffic congestion.

The consultants study found that: "Traffice [sic] congestion is positively associable [sic] with increased growulation [sic]." As a result, Mayor Luke Ravensteal has ordered the Department of Public Works to coordinate with County and State authorities to increase traffic congestion.

"We've always tried to shut down main corridors and alternate routes at the same time, but with political pressure and limited resources, we never really could," said city Works Czar, Guy "Cash 'N Carry" Costa. Now with Mayor Luke Ravensteal's directive under the Mayor Luke Ravensteal Youth Pittsburgh Initiative, the City has the authority to really cause some congestion. Public Works has secretly been testing the plan for months. "We reduced the Parkway East to one lane, then we started work on the Boulevard (of the Allies), Forbes, combined with some Second Avenue lane restrictions and the work on the Hot Metal, Birmingham and Grays Bridges and we really shut down the East End," reported an anonymous source within the City. Preliminary reports on the success of the plan are pending the consultants update.

Daytime Hooker

(Innernational Newstainment)

Investigators reveal that Pittsburgh Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle hired Dale Dickey, better known as the "Daytime Hooker" from TV's "My Name is Earl" sitcom. "I thought she'd be able to work on a crime report for me, with her experience as a Daytime Hooker, she would have the right contacts, " the beseiged politician explained. Investigators further revealed that Ms. Dickey was paid $50 for one hour of research and later that same day, $45 in cash was deposited in the bank. Ms. Dickey was not available for comment but her agent, Don "Squeak Monkey" Juan left a voice mail on this reporters phone: "She ain't no $5 ho!"

Miffed Mountain

(Easy News Patrol)

Boy-Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was miffed when his guide was beating him up Mount Washington. "How does it look to have some bald guy beat me to the top," the Boy-Blunder complained. He further deflated to learn that Mount Washington is not the tallest peak in United States or even in Pennsylvania and is in fact not even a mountain. "What did I climb it for? So some bald guy could show me up? Did anyone think how this would look?" raged the not-so-intrepid trekker.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl Day!

Boy-Mayor Luke Ravenstahl proclaimed today the first official Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's Mayor Luke Ravenstahl Day. "I, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, am proud to announce that today we honor a most special Pittsburgher, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, at the first official Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's Mayor Luke Ravenstahl Day for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. I can personally assure you that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is very pleased to be honored with his own Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's Mayor Luke Ravenstahl Day to honor him, I mean me, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl thanks you all for coming. Please enjoy Mayor Luke Ravenstahl day by getting a picture taken with Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and other Mayor Luke Ravenstahl keepsakes."

Tax Broke

Boy-Blunder, Mayor Damien Ravenstahl denied that he stole his tax break plan from master schemer Karl "Dip-Hop"Rove. The tax break scheme would provide an average kickback of $334 - but only to new or improved properties so existing homeowners are screwed - a truly Rovian ploy.

One real estate expert commented that the golden rule of real estate is never to buy (or build) the most expensive house in the neighborhood. "Anyone building a $250,000 house in those neighborhoods has as much chance of getting their money back as they do winning the lottery," guffed Hoddington Hanna. Asked who might be enticed to build in these neighborhoods with a more likely annual deduction of $150-$300 in annual taxes, Mr. Hanna replied, "Nobody in their right mind."

Surgery a Success!

(Associated Press Intentions)

Dr. Freddie Fu announced that he had successfully performed the world's first double-political-siamese separation. The condition is common to politicians. Dr. Fu announced that he had successfully removed Boy-Mayor Damien Ravenstahl's head from County Executive Dan Onandonandon's ass, as well as simultaneously extracting Bob Casey's head from Ed Rendell's.

Photo-Op Drop

Boy-Blunder, Mayor Damien Ravenstahl's photo-ops took a disastrous decline in March. The index is down 47% in March from its peek in February of 2007. The Mayor's office had no explanation for the drop in Mayoral productivity. Spokesweasel Dick Skrinjar promised better performance in April.

F-ing Machine

(Public Information Limited)

Chief Harper made a special delivery to the Boy-Mayor yesterday. Apparently, the device , ordered from www.fuckingmachines.com was mistakenly delivered to police headquarters. "We thought it was that new robot to break down doors, until we actually tried it," remarked the amused Chief. He added, "After the machine probed and pounded on his door for a while, the suspect did give up, so it kind of worked anyway. We might use it again if his Honor will loan it to us." Back at police headquarters someone checked the packing slip and the device was delivered to its rightful owner.

How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?

(IP Newswire)

Boy-Mayor relieves himself while addressing City Council. Councilman Doug Sheilds expressed his shock and his undying support for his young master.

Boy-Blunder Returns

(IP Newswire)

"He felt me up," claimed nursing home resident Hattie McGinty. "It was creepy, the way he was touching us," added her friend who wanted to remain anonymous. Mayoral spokesweasel, Dick Skrinjar defended the Boy-Blunder, "He meant no harm. He thought they would be flattered by the attention. You know, boys will be boys and he was just letting out some seasonal friskiness."

Polls show the Boy-Blunder's approval rating up three points after the news broke.

Propel Pittsburgh

The first meeting of Boy-Mayor Damien Ravenstahl's Propel Pittsburgh Commission was held today at an undisclosed location. The fact that the meeting has occurred so soon after the official announcement has appeared suspicious to some. "It's like he had this playdate already arranged, " bemoaned grandfatherly super-villian and mayoral challenge Lex Ludwig.

"He's just mad because he's too old and stinky," shot back the Boy-Blunder.

Easter Miracle

(IP Newswire)

Since Bill "Cranky" Peduto dropped out of the Mayoral race, city crews have ceased filling potholes. Initial reports that the stoppage was due to Mayor Ravenstahl's belief that he had "this thing sewn up" have turned out to be false. The real reason turns out to be much more mysterious.

A Public Works crew patching streets in the Northside made a startling discovery last week. The image of the Mayor was visible in water that had collected in the pothole. Later that morning crews around the city reported similar sitings. The images disappear when the water is drained.

Experts called to examine the images and the potholes have found no evidence that these appearances are the result of the Boy-Mayor's penchant for whoring his image. Vatican experts are due to arrive later this week to investigate what is being called an Easter miracle.

The Boy-Mayor had little to say except: "This kind of freaks me out." Chief of Photography Yarone Zober (real name) was not available for comment and was reportedly scouring the city looking for his own visage in our multitude of potholes.